DISQUS

Cindy · 5 months ago

Just found your blog and what a fabulous post! I think I just read my life story! (well, except for the private/charm school. Public school and usually the only black kid.) My sister, brother and I talk about this all the time, we're never black enough or white enough. The three of us are chameleons/mimics and change to fit our surroundings. And don't get me started on how many times people I've spoken to on the phone are startled to find out I'm black when they meet me in person!

N · 5 months ago

*sigh*
a friend and i discuss this all the time
what a hassle it is to have financial success make people societal misfits, caught between worlds

JaymeC · 5 months ago

OneChele, thanks for writing this! It mirrors my story exactly and we so rarely hear about it. Great blog!

OneChele · 5 months ago

Thanks N, thanks Jayme!

watsonrn · 5 months ago

Cosign with JaymeC. In high school I was know as the president of the Siddity Committee. I also get the comments about "You're always so pulled together" and "You're so cute" as if these things are not synonymous with being black. The hate I get from Black and Whites is just amazing.

Lacey · 5 months ago

Okay, Siddity Committee is a new one, will have to use

Audiophile Girl · 5 months ago

This is my first time visiting your blog, and it's just fabulous...loved reading that I wasn't the only one who had to straddle the race fence!

OneChele · 5 months ago

Welcome Audiophile, Lacey and Watson... tell a bougie friend ;-)

rikyrah · 5 months ago

This was absolutely terrific. thank you.

OneChele · 5 months ago

@Rikyrah - you are welcome, thanks for reading!

devessel · 5 months ago

Thank you, OneChele! Your thoughtful essay brought back painful memories, some from last week.

Particularly amazing to me: too many people unfamiliar with my background would choose to comment, rudely, on how they have NEVER heard of black people who (fill in the blank). I always respond that I am amazed at how often people strive to negate my very existence...

arieswym · 5 months ago

That was great, this is my first time on your blog but I really enjoyed it, thanks to jack & jill politics for the h/t

OneChele · 5 months ago

All love to JJP for the hat tip ;-). Thanks devessel and arieswym, I appreciate it. Devessel, I think I will do a post on things Bougie People do (that no one thinks we can or should).

heavyarmor · 5 months ago

Here via JJP.

All I can say is...

Thank you for this. This describes my life all the way up to college.

A.Smith · 5 months ago

Definitely the best blog post I've read all day...

Shout out to JJP for the link. I'm going to have to send a few people this way -- more folks need to read this.

AnnellaBella · 5 months ago

Fantastic! You're completey on point! I LOVE your blog! I often worry about the parental choices I'm making--if I'm sheltering my young kids from their "culture" too much; setting them up to be social pariahs, stuck in the middle. Reading about your mom's decisions is very reassuring.

Brandi · 5 months ago

I'm also a first time reader. Thanks for the piece. So many of your stories, as with the other commenters, mimic my own. Oh you aren't like other Blacks, Oh you speak so well. Le sigh. It's just tragic.
Even living in NYC I'm often faced with not fitting in in both black and white circles. I'm either not hip or black enough for Blacks that I share interests with or I'm too Black for Whites. I just continue to do my own thing and be happy with myself.
Hopefully, others can follow suit.

BMWA · 5 months ago

I appreciate your sharing of your experience. I grew up in a predominately white communty in the 60's. I had orignally lived in an all black community until the assination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Rioting, National Guard Troops, Fire bombings were the reasons my family moved. Essentially I went from the frying pan and into the fire. Now mind you I am 9 years old at the time, so every thing is not quite registering with me. The only white people that I was familiar with . Were the ones that my mother worked for, and they treated me nice. However when we moved to the new community. Lets just say I was'nt as well recieved by my new neighbors. Up until that time, I had never heard the word nigger. So I did not know that I was being insulted by the white kids in the neighborhood. When I asked my mother what were they saying? She told me to wait until my father came home and they would explain it to me. Talk about eye opening conversation! That evening they gave me a crash course in racial awareness. For the next three months . I was punching white kids in the mouth until they learned to call me by my name. After the attitude adjustment things changed. I had gained my repsect and made some friends. My cousins who lived in the old neighborhood would visit me from time to time. They started teasing me because my speech had changed. "You sound like those white kids "

Lisa J · 5 months ago

Although not identical, it sounds like we have had some similar experiences, but I didn't even have the luxury of being at a black church, so it was just my black behind in a sea of whiteness for most of my youth. What I loved was when someone would say someone else was black and I'd always be apologized to. Sigh. First time, here, I think I'll have to add you to my daily blog reading!

OneChele · 5 months ago

@ heavy armor and A.Smith, thanks! I love hearing the shared experiences from all.

@Brandi, I'm straight stealing "le sigh," be advised.

@BMWA Have you kept up the right cross to the mouth? Some folks still need one.

@Lisa - Too true, if I had a nickel for every white person who apologized when Roots came on...

Anonymous · 5 months ago

Very amusing. Thanks for the chuckles at work.

I enjoyed this so much that I read through a few of your other postings. So when are you posting part 2 of your looking for love saga on eHarmoney? Can't wait for the rest story.

SpkTRUTH2Pwr · 5 months ago

I don't even know where to begin with the praise of this piece. I will just say, yes, I hear you, and I think you made excellent points about ultimately being in a position where you must prove yourself. It seems that in this world the black person cannot be a shade of gray, but most be black or white, and accept that they lose a part of themselve by "choosing a side". It really shouldn't be that way, but it sure feels that way. And then being in a different state of mind where you believe your accomplishments and parts of you should complement your total person, instead are looked on as handicaps.

OneChele · 5 months ago

@Anon - I'm late with the eHarmony story, I know.

@SpkTruth - thanks and a wistful hello to the Bay Area, I was 8 years in Alameda.

Anonymous · 5 months ago

Here via JJP. I loved this article. Thanks for sharing. I Listening to all sorts of music, reading all sorts of books and magazines, I have constantly walked that tightrope between two different worlds.

The SkeptikOne · 5 months ago

Excellent post, thank you for taking the time, this needs to be said until it sinks into the cloudy consciousness of the masses

glamah16 · 5 months ago

Sounds like we had the same experinces and upbringing!Except people always liked to use the excuse my Daddy was African to explain why I talked and acted diffrent.Even in my own family.

Anonymous · 5 months ago

I am feeling this article. It's always something isn't it?

Anonymous · 5 months ago

Thank you so much for this post! Apart from attending charm school, your experiences pretty much encapsulate my own growing up. I cannot tell you how meaningful it is to read someone else so eloquently describe what it is like to be black but not “black” enough. I have been called bougie my entire life, and at 24, I have just now have begun to not feel hurt or guilty when someone accuses me for liking or engaging in some activity that is too “highbrow” or “white.” It’s just great to hear that I am not alone.

OneChele · 5 months ago

@AnnellaBella - I'll be posting some insights from BougieMom for you.

@Anon from 7/19 - Embrace your inner bouge. You do you and let the rest fall where it may

Thanks to all for the great feedback this article is getting

Greg Dragon · 5 months ago

I echo the sentiments of everyone here by saying bravo on a well written article.

Sadly much of it rung familiar to me and I forwarded it on to my girlfriend since we talk about the dual prejudice all the time and her daughter is experiencing much of it in the public school system. Sadly I don't see this improving anytime soon but it's always great to hear other people's stories on it.

beatfreak · 5 months ago

Thank you for this! I am adding you to my reader.

nut_cookie · 5 months ago

I actually heard the "she's so well spoken!" comments. As a child, black adults would remark that I "talked funny".

Even today I get that bull and it never fails to make me seethe. A person shouldn't have to justify who they are because they fail to fit someone else's idea of what they should be, based off of stereotypes no less.

This was a great read, thanks for writing it!

OneChele · 5 months ago

@greg dragon & nut_cookie: as MJ said "you are not alone!"

@beatfreak thank you!

Anonymous · 4 months ago

it will never end. during on campus interviewing in law school i consistently found myself pegged as a litigator because i "speak so well"

less than a week ago, i was ensured my fledging solo practice would take off because i'm just SO articulate. do i look like i need confirmation that i'm capable of effectively communicating?

Mahogany Misfit (formerly know · 4 months ago

New reader...enjoying your blog very much.

This post TOTALLY resonated with me.

I've had many of these same experiences going back to childhood...being one of only 6 black kids at my private school, having white parents drive me home fro study groups in HS and being STUNNED my house was nicer than theirs and quizzing me on the occupation of my mother and father, growing up in neighborhoods with NO other Black people *at all*, and dealing with all that this entails.

It is always nice to come across people who have experienced the same and can articulate the trials and tribulations (along with the blessings).

OneChele · 4 months ago

@mahogany - welcome home and thanks! ;-)

Anonymous · 4 months ago

This is exactly on point. I've heard from more than one of my so-called friends that I come off really bougie, but I'm actually nice. Really? So in other words you judged me based off of my looks? It's bad enough euros do it, I get tired of feeling the need to defend myself with my own folk as well.

Guest · 3 months ago

too funny that you say "euros". I use that term all the time and my husband laughs at my many ways of saying white person/people.